Had a really good phone talk with Molly. This whole year has been so awful and I crash so frequently, as soon as I think I’m better; so I don’t know if I really am doing better or not…but I think I might be. Some of our topics, not in order:
1)She described her relationship with the 2 partners she’s with now, and I had no idea she wants the things she wants in relationships (actually a lot more traditional than me). I now completely understand how she could say she was in love with me and also not remotely want to be girlfriends with me, ever, and not have even considered it. Wow. I’ve been moping about this for six months! It wasn’t because she doesn’t like me!
2)This should have clicked when she got together with them, but I’m now realizing that the reason she gave for not wanting to play (thinking it would upset me if she had other partners) was…actually true. At the time, she never talked about dating anyone and it felt like she was coming up with random excuses and actually just wasn’t attracted to me anymore (which I tried to accept, but secretly obsessed over, wondering what I did to make her lose interest).
3)One of her partners has C-PTSD and lately Molly has had to learn a lot about it as things got rough. I tried to give advice based on stuff SP and I both deal with, and she seemed to appreciate that (I’ve never been formally diagnosed with any mental illness, and I think his diagnosis is just depression; but we both grew up in abusive families and have a lot of those kinds of traits).
Then Molly started drawing parallels between her partner and me and…it’s a huge relief. Because I’m not diagnosed, even though I do read C-PTSD/BPD/AVPD resources (whatever works), I tend to speak about things rather colloquially–like, I’m spiraling, I’m being crazy right now, or (my personal favorite) I’m getting flushed down the memory toilet. This works okay with friends who are like me, but I don’t think Molly has ever understood how things feel for me, even though I’ve tried to tell her throughout our friendship. Maybe a little in the last year, after we had the relationship talks and things got so bad and we really had to communicate carefully to salvage our friendship; but not before then.
Like, Molly always tries really hard to be polite and respectful, but to a crazy person it ends up sounding cold and making the person feel abandoned/unloved. It’s always been so hard to explain this to her. But I think with her partner, now that Molly’s hearing more technical language and reading books, she actually gets it? And it sounds like they’re having some of the same problems as Molly and me (which is validating).
I just felt touched, and sort of close to her partner, who I don’t even know; because Molly was both saying how things we’d talked about made it easier to navigate this talk with her partner, and because she was bringing me up, telling me she was realizing things about me and our interactions as well. I feel like we’ve both helped the other person’s relationship/friendship with Molly, through our communications with her…it was just nice. I feel like I can talk to Molly about things and she’ll have a basis for understanding them she didn’t have before.
Also, it made me feel less like I’m an incel and Molly’s partner is a chad. She sounds relatable.
4)I talked about my adventures (and anxieties) of the last few weeks, and she was really supportive and gave some advice/experiences. Nothing groundbreaking but helpful.
She told me that even though I’m unusual in literally not being able to kiss people or fake vanilla sex/relationships, she knows lots of people in the community (including herself) who have to do this to be happy, just like I do.
5)Most emotionally for me, I guess, I told her about the relationship anarchy stuff and what I’ve realized about how I want to conduct my friendships. Which with her means, I might ask for things that I used to feel I couldn’t ask for from a friend. Like, time, visits, telling her when my feelings are hurt, etc. She seemed happy! She told me I had always had the right to ask for those things.
I hope it will really be that way. I went to sleep happy, didn’t sleep well and woke up and cried as usual, but it was actually happy crying at the thought that maybe I never lost anything.
This is just a brief (too late) divergence from the real topic of this blog, Monster Mashing. Unfortunately, I got the dgafitude to try and achieve Monster Mashing because being “rejected” by Molly felt so bad…I hope I can still power through now that I feel less rejected.
PS–Molly was describing a specific example she read in the C-PTSD book where a guy spills a glass of water and it leads him down this “emotional flashback” train where he’s like, “I’m so clumsy, I’m going to mess up at work, I’m going to lose my job and partner and become homeless.” I only heard of emotional flashbacks in the last few months, but apparently that is what you call being flushed down the memory toilet, or spiraling.
Basically, the situation with Molly has been like…a cosmic glass of water infinitely spilling on me for 6 months! This person seemed to really want to play with me, and then abruptly stopped wanting that–>this is a punishment for something I did wrong, I asked for too much love and attention, even my own parents didn’t love me so how could I think anyone else would, etc. etc./I have no value to this person who really matters to me, I have nothing to give her if she doesn’t want to play with me, I feel like my strings have been cut and I’m floating in a black hole, etc., etc./Why did she stop wanting me so suddenly and dramatically, it must be because she realized how evil and broken I am, etc.
I was trying to power through. And I would have powered through. But the fact that I understand a little more now, and it doesn’t seem so abrupt, and it doesn’t seem like it was about her not wanting me anymore…it feels like my glass of water has been unspilled, and that’s such a gift, not having to fight through it anymore.
I hope this view of the situation lasts, anyway. I wrote all this down to try to keep it.