Ugh

Obviously all resolutions are on hold now.

Don’t think I’ve mentioned, a few weeks ago (which seems forever ago–we’ve been on shelter in place for nearly 2 weeks and I’ve moved into my workplace, so life is quite different) I got really anxious about the aforementioned stuff and asked FC if she would agree to tell me if she was dating or playing with anyone. To my surprise she was very positive and told me that not only would she tell me, but that she would talk to both her partner and me before starting to play with anyone else. And asked me if I would tell her if I started playing with someone.

Then today she was telling me how she and her partner had a video chat with her parents and various family members and their partners, and that she thought of asking me to join the chat next time since I’m also one of her partners.

Wtf?

I mean, both things were nice but I do sometimes feel like stomping my foot and saying it’s not fair. I thought that the whole reason stuff blew up a year ago was because I asked about potentially being in a relationship someday. I accepted that she didn’t want a relationship with me! Now she’s acting like we’re in a relationship without even talking about it.

Maybe part of it is just that if this is how she feels, I want the pleasure of hearing it.

Also it’s still hard not to think, hmm, what has changed between when you were so negative about it, and now? You just don’t have one of the people you wanted.

I’m just being fussy though. The living situation is quite nice and cushy given the circumstances (I mean, being alone or with people I didn’t like would be much worse, but it’s hard to live with anyone when you can’t leave). But I’m still crabby from being home and useless. I guess most people are.

It’s a nice distraction I guess.

Distracted resolutions/SG #4

Well, why not write a little more about FC’s hotness.

Soft (my constant descriptor for her); loves being petted; laughs helplessly; blushes; covers her face up with blankets when overwhelmed; when blankets are pulled off, complains, “First she uncovers me, then she mocks me!”; generally puts up very fey, unconvincing resistance; physically affectionate in all the good ways.

(At one point I explained to her how being touched on the face kills my vibe. “This is disrespectful!” I said, softly slapping and tapping her face so her head gently lolled back, kneading her skin, pushing my fingers in her mouth, holding her nose. “This is what vanilla people do, they touch each other on the face and they say they’re treating each other equally. Do you feel equal to me right now?”

She agreed that she didn’t!)

Ugh okay but here’s the resolutions. I have so much STUFF to try to do:

1)This evening AG and SG. I might go to both or I might just go to SG. I’m not going to leave early to try and make AG so I think if I’m making very good time, I will go, and if I’m likely to be late I’ll go for dinner after work instead.

I feel too tired to go to SG but I think I may have a Bad Attitude and should go. It’s been months! Also I want to humblebrag about how I just had a great experience playing with the hottest submissive ever and um…now I’m feeling really insecure or something, idk, did I mention how hot she is and how fun things were?

2)There is a class on rough body play in a couple of days and I want to go but I really wish it was like a week away so I could rest up from my trip.

3)I’ll probs try to go to LO this week.

Ugh I’m so tired can’t I just do nothing.

ETA: my headache improved, I left work too late for AG (which looked to have not much turnout so maybe it would be awkward to go anyway); SG was great. I bragged ❤ and we all mainly talked about newbie things as one person was very young and new to things and another was re-entering the scene and both were quite interesting and fun to talk to!

Asked leaders of SG to advise me on what going to a random non-LO class is like and they attempted to describe it which helped. But they had to admit that a lot of things can vary.

It does seem to be quite small lately. I hope that improves!

I suck as usual but FC is bae

I seriously hope I’m just “top dropping” because I am so annoyed with myself right now.

I just visited FC and I guess I will keep an in-depth description to my own private journal because it’s her personal business. But tl;dr we fell into bed and began playing and cuddling and had trouble stopping to do anything else for the 3 days I was there.

It was perfect and it’s hard to remember that now because I ALREADY FEEL BAD and I just said goodbye to her this morning! But it was the best time I’ve ever had playing with someone. We’re so compatible and we know each other so well and we joked around the whole time; it was so cozy, fun, sweet, etc. Her reactions were lovely.

Okay just one detail: she took off my boots so nicely that I asked her to put them on again and we just sat with her on her knees and my boots on her knees, for such a long time, snuggling and talking. She folds everything (clothes etc.) so neatly and seeing her loosen my laces, slowly and methodically, with that kind of attention just made me feel extremely loved and close to her. I could hardly even express myself, I said something like, “This is such a wonderful way for you to show me you love me,” and she hugged my legs and put her face against my knees and whispered, “I do, I do!” Okay now I’m getting shivers and feeling a little better. FC is bae.

(I also said, “I wish I had eight legs so I could have eight boots to take off!”)

Uh anyway I started moping today after I got on the train, and thinking what if all this is only happening because her girlfriend broke up with her last summer and if they were still together she wouldn’t want to play with me…I even was tearing up! But after hours of moping about it on the train and starting this post, I literally just had to remember the boots adventures to feel that my insecurities are dumb and FC loves me a lot (and just bc I can’t wrap my head around being that kind of poly doesn’t mean she can’t be sincerely attracted to two similar people).

Psychological stuff

I mostly like psychological play and d/s, and ~the community~ seems focused on impact play and bondage. I’m not actually sure what to say about this…it’s just that (so far) this one aspect of the kink community has been exactly as I feared.

Of course, at this point it doesn’t seem scary or anything, it’s just not ideal. Like the other day people were looking at floggers and talking about them and I didn’t know anything and kept asking “what’s that” and “what does that mean” and I didn’t feel upset or embarrassed about not knowing. It felt good to feel so comfortable with the fact that it just isn’t my thing.

It was interesting how I went to the electrical play class thinking that I should be well-rounded and ended up being divested of that notion. I’m not swearing off trying new things, and I’m certainly not swearing off going to classes if I don’t like the specific subject–but I’m not going to do anything in the interest of being well-rounded.

I think I said this before but I’m going to say it again; I found myself seeing how dangerous it could be to try to do something that I’m not suited to, out of a fear that what I’m suited to isn’t good enough and people wouldn’t be interested.

Like, at the last class this extremely aspirational person was telling an AMAZING story about how they scared and tortured a friend of theirs–it was very extreme, so it’s not like I’m going to go out and do that exact thing, but I could easily identify with and relate to the story. And I felt if I was doing that I would be so gleeful and interested and attentive to my partner’s well-being. Of course it’s always worth worrying a little, but I’d feel up to the task of keeping them safe.

Whereas when I try to imagine myself doing electrical play, it’s like cramming for a science test except if I forget something I could really hurt someone instead of just getting a bad grade.

I impulsively bought a ’90s BDSM book at a used bookstore–the datedness made it seem more approachable somehow–and I was pleased to see psychological play listed among the many forms of play that the book covers. I feel like I just need to know how to identify and talk about what I like, the same way people can be like “I’m a rope top” or something.

The answer, as always, is more classes and support groups and discussion groups etc.

There is a d/s group I haven’t been able to get to yet and I’m kind of wondering if I should try pet play events as well…I’m never really sure where I fall on that spectrum. My ideal dynamic is a lot more owner/pet than traditional d/s or M/s but I’m not that into people pretending to be a specific animal?